Pedro's South of the Border

Anyone who’s driven I-95 through South Carolina knows Pedro – or Pedro’s billboards, at any rate. For miles and miles, Pedro teases drivers with puns and double entendres in lurid, day-glo colors (“Pedro’s fireworks! Does yours?” “Keep America Green – Bring Money!” etc. The billboards are impossible to miss. I don’t know what Pedro’s monthly outdoor advertising tab is, but holy cow, it’s got to be keeping some billboard company afloat.) Anticipation builds – how could it not? Just when you think, oh this South of the Border thing has to be a put-on, there in the distance it looms: Pedro’s Giant Sombrero. About the size and height of a water tower, the Sombrero has a glass elevator that ferries tourists nearly 200 feet in the air (cost: a surprisingly fair $1) to take in the view of Dillon, SC. And as soon as they return to earth, Pedro is waiting with a cluster of shops, restaurants, a hotel, a campground, mini golf, and even, unbelievably, a small amusement park. And all of it garish and loud and campy and tacky and culturally insensitive at best. South of the Border seemed to be the very alpha and omega of tourist traps, a quintessentially American place, embodying the very spirit of our vast, hungry, ever-consuming and easily disposable popular culture. Yet for all of Pedro’s leering at our bulging wallets, there was a kind of innocence about the place, too. An unspoken agreement on all parts that getting taken was part of the fun, part of the whole vacation experience, and besides, who doesn’t love a coconut painted to look like a shrunken pirate head? At South of the Border, everyone is in on the joke.

Can you see why I wanted to go? Can you understand the allure? It had been a long while since I’d driven that stretch of I-95, but a recent road trip from Hilton Head to Philadelphia reminded me that Pedro was still there, just waiting for me to get off my high horse and pay a visit. So, this past weekend, I did. I called first, just to be sure, and to ask a few questions. The man who answered the phone sounded both really busy and totally clueless. No problem. Many businesses in America have seemingly adopted that exact approach to incoming calls, so, like everyone else, I’m used to it. Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: Is South of the Border open?

Him: Yes.

Me: Is it true that the Honeymoon Suite has a taco-shaped bed?

Him: It’s a clam.

Me: A clam-shaped bed?

Him: Like on the beach. That kind of clam. (Note: are there other kinds of clams? Must investigate.)

Me: Awesome. How much?

Him: I don’t know. It’s not available. We only have one. It’s always booked.

Way to encourage the customer! Still, Pedro was open for business, and that’s all I needed to know. Arriving on a cool, overcast day, I immediately noticed two things: first, there were hardly any people there, and second, Pedro’s empire is clearly in a state of decay. I guess the former handily explains the latter. Maybe you could blame the high price of gasoline, but the kind of decline I saw takes longer than a single summer to happen. But I’m getting ahead of myself. When you leave I-95 and cruise into Pedroland, prepare to be dazzled by the quantity and variety of cast concrete animals. It’s like a refuge for escapees from Goonie Golf. Bulls, elephants, giraffes, apes, wolves, tortoises, dinosaurs, dolphins, you name it. These creatures are everywhere at Pedroland and God bless the management because you are actually permitted - no, encouraged - to climb, sit, and be photographed atop them. Don’t you just hate places that have, like, a full-size lavender-painted cement hippo and then yell at your kids when they try to hoist themselves onto its back? Me too. You won’t find that kind of nannying at South of the Border, mi jefe. You want to risk perching your baby on the head of a 7 foot long, 5 foot tall wiener dog? Have at it and bienvenidos.

The next thing you’ll notice are the shops. There’s Pedro’s Trading Post, Pedro’s Western Shop, Pedro’s Africa, Pedro’s Mexican Shop, Pedro’s Candy Store, Pedro’s Myrtle Beach Shop, and Hat World. And probably half a dozen more, believe it or not. Pedro tries hard to hold to the theme of each store, with mixed results. The Western Shop predictably leans heavily toward cowboy knickknacks and Native American tchotkes (think mandalas and drums. Also, peace pipes. I watched one elderly gentleman in a trucker’s hat pick up a peace pipe off of the counter, take a meditative draw on it, then put it back down as his wife shook her head in loving disapproval. I couldn’t help wondering how many other folks saliva had dried on that thing. Oh my God I need some Listerine just thinking about it.) The Africa Shop boasts some interesting carvings and a rack of brightly-colored traditional African garments. The Mexican Shop features lots of blankets, maracas, sombreros, and even a magnet memorializing Pope John Paul II. Pedro’s Myrtle Beach is home to a giant Great White shark and a coffee table made from a lobster trap. It’s also where you’ll find the most mystifying trinket in all of Pedroland: a glass bottle filled with buff-colored plastic beads of no discernible value, interest, or aesthetic appeal. Cost: $6.50. I guess people really will buy anything. Hat World was a delight, and I’ll probably forever regret not purchasing the giant yellow spider hat. The 8 dangling legs really framed my face in a surprisingly flattering way. And strangely enough, there was virtually no candy at Pedro’s Candy Store. Por que, Pedro, por que?

What all of the shops had in common was a dizzying array of the cheap, the ultra tacky - just mind-blowing acres of crap. And no matter the theme of the shop, crap made its way in. And in the midst of so much merchandising and shelving, there are bound to be all sorts of serendipitous and hilarious collisions.  My personal favorite: the Grim Reaper statue (ghoulish, full-color, 12 inches high, $17.50), displayed atop a decorative disk featuring the yin and yang symbols (6 inches in diameter, sturdy resin, $6.50), shelved next to the lounging and laughing Buddha porcelain (also $17.50), all directly beneath the aforementioned Pope John Paul II magnet.  And directly across the aisle from plastic statues of Pedro himself, wide-eyed and grinning and so raucously stereotypically “Mexican” that it frankly bordered on racism if not outright crossing the line. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to love it. I sure did.

There are multiple restaurants in Pedroland. I can only comment on one, however, and in that one, the burrito we ordered came out looking and acting suspiciously like a taco. Maybe it was unreasonable to assume that Pedro’s South of the Border could adequately dish up some Mexican food?

Head deeper into South of the Border and you’ll come to Golf of Mexico – Pedro does love a pun – and the amusement park, which is just north of Pedro’s Convention Center. (How the National Association of Broadcasters missed this location, I’ll never know.) Here’s where it started getting sad for real. The Sombrero ride was rusty and abandoned. The carrousel was still. The Ferris wheel was spinning unattended, at a speed faster than seemed sensible. The bumper cars worked, but what fun are bumper cars if you’re the only driver? The big draw, a relatively new rollercoaster, squatted next to the interstate riderless and silent. Most poignant of all was the shuttered building that once housed an attraction called “Pedro’s Reality Ride”. I couldn’t figure out what on earth that might have been, but looking around at the weeds growing through cracks in the asphalt, at the chipped and fading paint, the empty buildings, I could see that Pedro was taking another kind of reality ride, and it wasn’t pretty.   

Places like South of the Border are nostalgic from the moment they open. Was there ever an America so wide-eyed, such a cornfed rube, that Pedro wasn’t a winking irony? No, not really. But it’s pleasant to think so. To think of families, cruising toward sun-kissed beaches in sprawling station wagons, luggage tied to the roof, pulling into South of the Border for a bit of good-natured hoodwinking. Automobile culture, nuclear families, good, clean fun – the American dream, doled out with a big, gooey side of blatant capitalism. Not to mention explosives, girlie mags, tobacco, and beer. Did Pedro’s ever truly reflect who we were? Or has it always been an outrageously exaggerated tip of the hat to the more innocent past we like to imagine was ours? After all, ours is a new country, populated by folks who all come from someplace else. Maybe it’s in our collective dna to rush to fill all the empty spaces with symbols and memories, with an instant shared history, a harmless, fun sort of history that we can all fondly agree upon. Those famous good old days, right?

South of the Border is fading. Next time you’re racing up I-95, you might want to slow down and pull in. Your kids, distracted by Gameboys and i-Pods and Zunes, may not beg for the privilege quite as much as you once did.  And frankly, kids now are so hip and cool and post-ironic themselves that a trip to Pedro’s might result in their temporary blindness due to extreme eye-rolling. So what. Do it anyway. Because when South of the Border closes, as someday it inevitably will, it’ll be replaced by a clean, modern travel plaza. Sbarro, Starbucks, Burger King, an Exxon station. No herd of Technicolor cement dinosaurs, no faux-coconut bras, no rulers emblazoned with the words, “Peter Meter”.  Just another oasis on the highway, one you pull into in the middle of the night, bleary and hyper from too much caffeine, pissed off at the price of gas. Under the fluorescent light, surrounded by familiar logos, you could be anywhere. That feeling of dislocation - call it strip mall vertigo - that’s the new America.  Say what you want about Pedro. Laugh at how tacky and ridiculous and lame it all is. But when you park your car in the shade of the giant sombrero, at least you know where you are, amigo. You’re at South of the Border. As Pedro says, you never sausage a place.

 

Hey Facebook members! Visit Pedro’s South of the Border, a fan site I’ve created to celebrate the wonders of Pedroland. See photos, add photos, share your own Pedro memories, and make new friends – the kind of friends who know how to appreciate a well-executed Horny Hillbilly figurine.

Comments

[jenn]

Sheri, you are just too damn funny... I bought both your books and loved them! You have such a great writing style. This post made me snort, but also almost made me cry. Please post more often!

[Cynthia]

My dad loved to stop at these kinds of places (not so much my mom). He got as big a kick out of them as we kids did.
However, my husband and I drove down to Santa Fe, NM, from Ohio, and darned if he wouldn't stop at the World's largest freestanding cross in Groom, TX! http://www.crossministries.net/
There were people standing around it (I suppose they were praying), and I so wanted to stop, but gave in to his need to get to our destination asap. Twenty miles down the road, we saw another huge cross--what is it with Texas and the mammoth crosses? They're huger than thou!

[cancan]

I listen to your show because it's what the local radio station out here in the SF bay area (Kendal Jackson domain). I don't find you and Bob appealing that much. Very dry North Carolina humor. Max sounds okay.

[Heather]

What a trip back in time to read your blog today. I always enjoy reading them. I can so vividly remember all of the things you described in the places my parents stopped for us as children. We all piled out of the station wagon to stretch our legs and enjoy all the "sites" of these interesting places. I have been in a hurry many times while traveling with my children but have not missed several opportunities to stop and let them experience the nostalgia of such a place. Now I do often times deny paying for the ridiculous merchandise but we always have so much fun playing with it all. A good laugh is had by all and we are back on the road again. I do have the hillbilly toothbrush, tom=tom with feathers and just a few assorted things from the trips where I have given in to the pleading.
Thanks Sheri for the article, and for reminding me of my childhood past and for bringing attention to something that is a fond memory that I now share with my children. I will never find a use for that hillbilly toothbrush, but darned if it doesn't get a laugh out of people when they discover it slightly dusty on the shelf half hidden by a photo of one of the kids.

Cheers!

[Becky in FL]

Hey, 'cancan', if you don't find Sheri & Bob appealing, why do you listen? No other alternative stations in the San Fran area? And for goodness sake, why're you reading this blog? Some people just like to be miserable I guess. Sheri, keep up the good work... you and Bob both make MOST of us smile every morning!

[Becky in FL]

Hey, 'cancan', if you don't find Sheri & Bob appealing, why do you listen? No other alternative stations in the San Fran area? And for goodness sake, why're you reading this blog? Some people just like to be miserable I guess. Sheri, keep up the good work... you and Bob both make MOST of us smile every morning!

[Stephen Vaughan]

Sheri,

My wife and I stopped at South of the Border, and got married in Dillon. That night we slept in the Honeymoon Sweet...LOL.... It had a velvet painting of Elvis above the bed.. Real cheesie...but, we never forgot that night.
I lost my angel on 1-25 of this year.. your post brought back many memories...

Thanks for those memories brought back,

Stephen

[Kimberly]

Sheri;
I remember asking my dad to stop at South of the Border-ok, maybe it was whining-for several years on our trips from PA to FL. When we stopped there-in the late 70's, early 80's, it wasn't busy then either. I got a white plastic fan with South of the Border on it, and a mexican blanket stamped on the front. It broke apart from too many "snaps" open & shut. I like the memory of stopping there, though, especially my father's face as he looked around the mexican shop- so disgusted!-and now that he's passed on, it's more of a dear memory than an embarassing one.
Take Care Sheri,
Kimberly

[renn]

It makes me sad that Pedroland is falling further into disrepair.

I used to love stopping there (even BEFORE I had children!) to stretch my legs, grab a Blenheim Ginger Beer, and have a great laugh.

My family needs to return before Pedro's closes for good.

[Jim]

I worked at the Border as a teenager (as a bellhop in high school and a waiter during college) some 40 years ago, and it was a hopping place.
It always saddened me to see how far down it had gone until last weekend, when my granddaughter (4) and her parents went for the first time.
She got one of those little "fart cans" (where pushing a silly putty-like substance into a can sounds just like someone cut a cheezer), and it absolutely tickled me to see her get such joy out "making Pops poot."
It reminded me of the old days when everything about the place was fun.
Here's hoping it never turns into a Starbucks.

[cancan]

Hey Becky in Fl:
Yes there are other stations that have better morning shows. I just scan through the radio and try to give them a chance, but I find myself sleeping to their voices. I guess you Floridan's don't really know humor like us Californian's. I'm reading this blog because I wanted to see if these people were real and seems that they are..They are real duds, like you. No more Bob and Sheri from the mountains of North Carolina for me. Can't stand all the 'country southern slang' idiots that call in. Get back to your scrapbooking, Becky in Fl. Don't worry, I won't be back on this hillbilly station anymore.

[Cynthia]

I forgot to mention in the above post--great blog! Only Sheri would write at length about a place like Pedros!
cancan appears to be a troll, so ignore him/her. Or, worse--maybe he's a disgruntled Larry King!!!!

[Debi]

I too, used to drool as a kid as we passed by all the signs for South of the Border. My father would never stop. His idea of a vacation was to fly past every tantalizing highway display! Before moving to NC in 1993, from south Florida we drove to my inlaws in NC for Christmas. It was snowing like a blizzard, couldn't see your hand in front of your face. We stopped at different exits and couldn't find a motel, no rooms availabe, everyone had the same idea to get off the road. Finally, there was the sign for Pedro's place. We flew off the exit trying to beat everyone else in ankle deep snow. We got the last room at Pedro's. Although tacky with all the red and black decorations and velvet paintings. It was a warm room and clean, yes tacky but clean! The next day my kids got to take in all the sites at South of the Border befoe we left.

[Erika]

Well my Mom when we hear this on your show said when I was she took me down there and I was crying beacause of the huge bugs everwhere she said I thoght they were going to get me.
Thanks for reading this. Bye

[Erika]

O I meant when I was two
sorry

[germannat]

ok, firstly cancan how can you be so rude, and but or sheri and bob down, i guess got nothing better to do, then being miserable, anyhow, my sheri I love your blog, i live in lumberton about 15 miles away from pedro the first experience i had when i visted in 1991 fresh from germany, it was a culture shock, i was thinking OMG where am i, now still here in lumberton i can't believe it is still open, and those huge billbords are not faded at all, do they repaint them, we took our kids there a couple of years ago, and even those almost broken down rides can cost a lot of money, keep up the good work sheri, and bob, you make me laugh every morning.

[germannat]

OMG I should have proof read my blog before posting, sorry, im german

[Jen]

Pedro sounds like a great place to make a stop! I love places with character. I've done the Disney, Knott's, Sixx Flags experience and I don't feel that they have personality - way too over-commercialized - give me a Pedros anyday ... Cancan, sitck that in your pipe since those are all from your glorious California.

[Julie]

Though I have not had the pleasure of Pedro's, as a kid, my mom & aunt took me, my siblings and cousins to "Holiday Sands" Water Park in Ravenna, Ohio. While not a tourist trap, Holiday Sands shared the same kind of nostalgia. It was on a lake with huge metal waterslides (think playground slides 3 stories tall), floating barrels to balance on, and other so-not-safe attractions. It was the stuff little monkey children dream of! Probably about 13 years ago we returned, hoping for more of the fun we had indulged in years before.

How sad it was to return. Though some paint was faded and peeling, for the most part, the site was in the same repair as before. But something had happened to us, making the rides more threatening; we were too cautious and "grown up" to enjoy our visit.

I hear Holiday Sands closed a bout 5 years ago, not surprisingly, due to insurance costs.

Thanks for sharing about Pedro's -- like Jenn, I laughed ... and almost cried too.

Love ya! Seriously. :)

[jam]

Been there! And I couldn't agree more- these places are incredible bits of history. Just lost the Catskill Game Farm here in NY State a few years back...
Mommas- get your kids to them before they are gone. It is lovely to be able to let them run free and climb on the exhibits!

Cheesy is good.

[Sean]

Sheri,

My wife and I have listened to your blog for years in CT before moving to Hilton Head. And now that one of the local stations has picked your show up, we listen to you once again. We, like so many of your listeners have taken our kids (ages 9-16) on road trips for the past 10 years up and down the coast on I-95. We've taken great pleasure in finding and stopping at cheesy places like Pedro's willing to display nostalgic pieces of Americana. This summer we found another doozy. Its located in Natural Bridge, VA and is called Foamhenge. Now I'm sure we're not the first civilized people to stumble across this architectural artifact, but if you haven't seen this place its definitely worth a peek. I've included a link for you and the other good people on this blog to check out. Its a full scale foam version of the original Stonehenge, this one built in foam of course. As it say's on the stone (foam) plaque out front, "It took 4-5 Mexicans and one crazy white man to construct. Its purpose is to educate and entertain".

Our kids are as hungry for road trips and cheesy stops along the way as we are. We want them to grow up the way we did with a dash of today's technology. Sure they have all the gadgets, but they also have a true love and appreciation for what once was. An America that is fading into the shadows of superstores and chain restaurants, like the once heavily traveled Rout 66, which we plan on hitting one of these days. The people of this country need to get back to basics and family values, and there is no better way to do that than to strap your kids into a minivan or gas guzzling SUV, sugar them up and drive headlong into a great adventure at 80 miles an hour. That's the stuff memories are made of. Keep up the good work.

[lonnie]

Sheri I must comment on last week. A woman said her husband thinks you're a man hating B. I don't agree at all. I work with women in the aircraft mechanic field. They are very strong minded women And some men just can't handle that. I have a very strong mother.so I grew up with that. I think that statement was uncalled for And that man must be very insecure. You can call me for your show at 910-670-6190 I'm usually up by 6:00 am LONNIE

[Beth]

My grandparents use to live in Lunberton ( they have passed away) we use to see the signs as we drove down from Charlotte. We loved to read the signs along the way. It is sad to hear that it is such dispair. Love the show.
Beth

[V]

I wonder if Sheri reads these comments...at any rate I have viewed a few posts from people who have hurled insults at this radio personality. I had to post if JUST to say these people appear to be suffering from lds (little d*ck syndrome), and a have a mild case of jealousy of a woman who is far more well spoken and educated than they. And for the record I think Sheri is incredibly witty and funny. Anybody with an IQ lower than 80 would find her dry. Cheers!

[Barbara]

Hi, Sheri
Thanks for sharing with us this morning. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!