A week or so ago Parade magazine ran a feature by Jeanne Wolf called Advice to the Young Me, in which a handful of celebrities pondered what it is they wished they’d known sooner. In a fluffy and taboid-y way, it reminded me of the excellent book, I Wish I’d Known Then: Women in Their 20’s and 30’s Write Letters to Their Younger Selves by Ellen Spragins. Wise and charming and often powerfully moving, this collection of 35 essays by women in diverse fields – including stars, writers, activists, and athletes – is a revealing peek at the hopes and wishes, fears and doubts, that all of us share. I was particularly touched by Atoosa Rubenstein, the founder of CosmoGirl magazine, writing about an agonizing adolescence marked by bullying and ostracism. Of her adoring and handsome husband, the once-awkward, tormented girl, now a successful businesswoman and entrepreneur writes, “had I known you were waiting for me, I wouldn’t have worried so much.” It’s a sweet moment, and a validation that love is as worthy an ambition as any other.
It got me to thinking about what I might say to my younger self, today, at this very moment. Because of course the advice changes as you go, life being a continually unwinding spool and not a static portrait. And at what age would I like to grab myself for a good talking-to? I settled on 14, one year after my parents’ catastrophic divorce, one year into what would become nearly a decade and a half of grieving for my absent mother. Age 14, the age at which I decided that if I did everything exactly right, then everything would turn out okay. Age 14: the birth of my perfectionism and co-dependency. That was the year I erected my own personal Berlin Wall, not understanding that when you try so hard to protect yourself from the bad things, you unwittingly lock out the good things as well.
Dear Sheri,
It’s okay to cry, you know. You may be 14 now, but you’re a little girl, so young for your age – you were still playing with dolls not so very long ago. You miss your mom. That’s normal. You’re supposed to miss your mom. Missing her doesn’t mean you don’t love your brothers or your grandmother, or even your father, though that relationship is one you’ll have to fight to keep from being poisoned by. It’s not disloyal to grieve. And it’s okay to be angry. You should be angry. You are angry. Here’s the good news: this anger is going to do wonderful things for you for a long time. It’s going to motivate you, drive you to push yourself far past what you’ll be told is permitted. This anger is like a rocket booster, and it’s going to propel you into an amazing life. But a time will come when all of the good fuel in that anger is spent, and you’ll need to jettison the weight. Try not to wait as long as I did, okay? Let it fall away, and trust you’ll fly higher without it.
Hate to tell you this next thing, but you might as well hear it from me. You’re not going to be lucky in love – at least, not for a long time. Oh, don’t feel sorry for yourself! You’re going to learn an awful lot along the way, and the biggest lesson for you is: don’t merely allow yourself to be chosen. Do the choosing. Here’s a riddle for you to puzzle over for the next several decades: the unbreakable heart is the one most broken. Doesn’t make sense right now, does it? It will, and at a high cost. But not so high you can’t pay it. And I promise, while there’s both more and less time than you think to figure it out, you will figure it out. And when you do, wow. You are going to have so much fun. You – fun! Imagine that. I can’t wait for you to get there.
From what I can see here in 2008, you’re going to live what amounts to two lives. And I’m not talking about job changes or relationship changes or moving to new places, either. Confusing, huh? It will be, until the month of August, in the year 2007. (Freaky to even think about that far-off future isn’t it?) In August 2007, something spectacular and amazing is going to happen to you. It will radically and completely change you. I want to tell you more, tell you everything, but I love you too much to let you peek under the wrapping of what is going to be the most glorious gift you will ever receive. In fact, forget I even mentioned it, okay?
Speaking of gifts, don’t fret over having children. You will. They’ll be everything you wish for, everything. No, I will not tell you how many! They’re waiting for you somewhere right now, waiting for their moment to come. Trust that it will, and don’t waste time with questions or regrets. That probably sounds impossible, I know. I know how you are. Such the little planner! Always living in the future! You’ll get over that, believe it or not. Your babies have a lot to teach you. And stop worrying about whether or not you can ever be a good mother. What happened to you is just something happened to you; it’s not who you are. Start telling yourself that now, today. Practice saying it over and over until you believe it. It’s the truth.
The last important thing I want to tell you is that what you’re learning right now is going to be the very thing that gives your life wings. It may feel now that you are all alone, that it all depends on you, and that where others seem to have shortcuts or cheats, you have only a steep uphill path to climb. That’s true for you, but it’s also your classic blessing in disguise, Sher. You’re learning now that it takes work to move forward, and belief in yourself, and a refusal to quit. Wait till you sit down to write your first book – oops! I gave that one away, didn’t I? You do grow up to be a writer, among other things, and that’s got precious little to do with talent, and lots to do with just sitting down and doing the work, one word, one sentence, one paragraph at a time. No shortcuts. Having this knowledge now is the single luckiest thing that’s ever come your way, believe it or not.
Just for fun: you’re allergic to milk. You were born allergic, you stay allergic, and no matter what anyone in your crazy family thinks, do yourself a favor and stop eating dairy. Also, you have curly hair. Accept that now and save yourself aggravation and time. And you are going to be totally right about stirrup pants, by the way – they’re horrid on everyone but pro jockeys. Try to have more first kisses, even if it seems kind of gross to you right now. (Oh my gosh, you are so innocent at 14!) Kissing is something you are going to absolutely love and one of the sad truths of being a grown-up is this: you don’t always get all the kisses you want in this world. Why not? Who knows? People are so weird and walled-off. You will be too, but not for always.
I’ll leave you with this last message from your future, knowing it will seem as vague and as cryptic as the horoscopes you will always be so fond of reading: trust that wherever you are, you are exactly where you are meant to be.
Love,
Sheri - June, 2008
So glad for the post Sheri. I have had a particularly painful day, and as you were writing to yourself as a younger person, I was thinking how much I would love to have a letter from myself right now that is written from me but 10 years from now. The fact that everyone older than you (I am still young...23) tells you that you will get over heartbreak, it doesn't always mean much. But looking back on my previous heartbreaks, I see how I have healed and moved on, and I suppose the best substitute for a letter of promise from the future is a reminder of healing from the past... that is all we can do... look at the past and promise ourselves that time does heal.
Posted by: Elizabeth | June 15, 2008 at 02:21 PM
This letter hits home for me on so many levels. With a father in prison for most of my childhood and an emotionally distant, neglectful mother, I found myself feeling some of the same things as the years passed. Every time I made a mistake, I would wonder:Am I just like my mother? Will my children grow up and spend years sitting in a chair, telling a therapist what a horrible mother I was? Luckily for me, with therapy and age healing has come. Not without more scrapes and bumps along the way. A failed marriage and two children later, I am more happy and at peace with myself than I have ever been. I got my GED years ago and just finished college at 32. I never would have thought I was capable of achieving all that I have. I could go on and on but I know there are many who have suffered more than I have. Thank you for this post. It means a great deal to me.
Posted by: Susan | June 15, 2008 at 06:29 PM
Beautiful. You are an amazing writer, and so very brilliant. It's too bad so many will realize too late the mistakes they made in not loving you. You are an incredible woman, and deserve only the very best from this life. Thank you for the post, it moved me in ways I cannot tell you.
Posted by: Andrew | June 15, 2008 at 09:58 PM
Great job, as usual. The line that jumped out at me and has seriously special meaning was "the unbreakable heart is the one most broken." Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Jannine | June 16, 2008 at 08:28 AM
Sheri -
An amazing piece...but what happened in August 2007? Did I miss something that you talked about on the show?? Your 2 little ones are so fortunate to have a Mom like you...your gifts to the world.
Posted by: Jeannie Zimmerman | June 16, 2008 at 10:48 AM
You are a inspiration to share your pain and heartbreaks and still manage that sarcastic positive outlook that your listeners love you for. I divorced when my oldest child was 10 and he has suffered with anger and built that wall. Knowing that you have managed to bury that anger and pain gives me hope that he can do the same. Your incite has helped me so much over the years. I'm sorry but I can't help but ask if something has happen with you and Mark? I have been speculating for weeks now. Regardless, keep doing what you do best and my best to you and the girls!!
Posted by: Stefanie | June 16, 2008 at 01:16 PM
Thank You.
Posted by: Cheryl | June 16, 2008 at 02:11 PM
Like Jeannie, I couldn't for the life of me recall the event that happened in August 2007 that would be greater to your success in radio, your marriage, your two children or having your first book published. Please remind us, if you told us in the first place.
Posted by: Cris | June 16, 2008 at 08:15 PM
Sheri,
Thank you for allowing us to "read" your heart! By the way, I am stumped too about August 2007. Please share...:)
Posted by: Shelly | June 16, 2008 at 11:20 PM
In August 2007, I had a spiritual experience - a transformation unlike anything I could ever have imagined. I haven't talked or written about it because it kind of defies language for me. But I'll try, and post it here. Thank you all for your VERY kind words.
Posted by: shlynch | June 17, 2008 at 05:15 AM
...you will have to tell us Sheri. Today's show was a bit bizzare, I e-mailed you about it. What you have/can share will surely be an inspiration to folks. It's funny that I feel like you are almost a relative, my grown son's laugh at me, it's just that I've been listening to you folks for l0 years. The ups and downs, etc. Y'all do a great show!!!! peace,ann
Posted by: ola | June 17, 2008 at 03:08 PM
God, it brought a tear to my eyes. You are a wonderful person and I am glad to know you.
Posted by: becky | June 17, 2008 at 06:58 PM
Sheri, I was going to ask about August 2007 as well, but I see you answered that last night. I concur with the comments of everyone before me; the piece was wonderful and so is its writer. It's odd, but even though I have never met you, I consider you to be one of my very favorite people. I'd love to change the never-met-you part; come back to Lexington KY soon!! You have so much to offer the world, Sheri, and your statement to your younger self was correct: you have an amazing life. Not only in and of itself, but it is a life that affects so many others. Just look at these comments! Thank you for being you.
Posted by: Johanna Ellison | June 17, 2008 at 09:04 PM
Thanks for the reminder on choosing and not being chosen. It helped me do something.
Posted by: Tara | June 18, 2008 at 12:46 AM
OK, thank goodness I'm not the only one completely lost on the August 2007 event. I was like, AAAHHHH! Did I miss it one of the days I was home sick with my kid?!?!
Whatever it was, I do SO look forward to you sharing it; if you choose to do so. Sometimes, trying to capture (put into words) an experience so sacred, kind of breaks the spell it has cast.
I hope you and your family are doing well.
I love hearing your stories about the girls.
SUPER CUTE!
Posted by: Ashley | June 18, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Sheri as I have said before. How gifted you are!! Your written words and your gift of quick comebacks on the radio. Your letter is superb!!! It has inspired me to sit down and try to do the same all though I certainly don't have the gift for words as you do. Mine will end up sounding like some crazy rambling that my boys will find one day when I'm gone and will say "see she was nuts" :) I agree with several of the comments above. I feel like you are one of my very best friends. I have known you since you joined Bob many years ago ... known you from listening every morning, getting ticked off when my husband comes in the bathroom as I get ready and interrupts "our" conversations b/c I feel like I'm right there w/you, Bob, Max and Todd. Sometimes I'm even talking back to all of you on the radio. Hubby use to yell from the other room "who in the heck are you talking to" ... but now after years of asking this and me saying "shh" he just gave up :) I also caught the talk yesterday about Aug 7th and was confused ... what did I miss? But you will enlighten us all in good time. Over the last month or two, I have started thinking that I'm picking up on something in the things you talk about and I'm continually getting that "sick" feeling and praying nothing has happened between you and Mark but I fear I am right. You will share when you are ready and I pray I'm wrong. I will continue to pray for you and your family and Bob and his and the rest of my "morning drive family". You all will never realize what you mean to all of us long time loyal listeners.
Your friend ...
Posted by: Charlotte | June 18, 2008 at 05:35 PM
Wow! This is beautiful. I wish I was half as eloquent as you are. I would love to write something like this and leave to my daughter, too. I have been with you in Charlotte from day 1. My relationship dovetails what Charlotte wrote about her feelings toward you and Bob. Many mornings what gets me going is knowing your show is coming on. If I recall wasn't August 2007 the month you and Bob went on your trip to South America with World Vision ( I think that's what it is called.) I look forward to 0600 tomorrow morning when we can chat again!
Posted by: Ellen | June 18, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Wow! This is beautiful. I wish I was half as eloquent as you are. I would love to write something like this and leave to my daughter, too. I have been with you in Charlotte from day 1. My relationship dovetails what Charlotte wrote about her feelings toward you and Bob. Many mornings what gets me going is knowing your show is coming on. If I recall wasn't August 2007 the month you and Bob went on your trip to South America with World Vision ( I think that's what it is called.) I look forward to 0600 tomorrow morning when we can chat again!
Posted by: Ellen | June 18, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Sheri, thank you so much for sharing...and I was glad that I wasn't the only one who missed out on the 'event' in August 2007. I only get the pleasure of listening to you for a very short period of time each morning, as I live in a part of New Brunswick, Canada which allows me to only get the show in my car on the way to work, or at my cottage (10 miles from the Maine border). I like the others feel like I know you, and you are one of my great friends! I too am worried for your relationship, and your family - I send you all my positive energy and thoughts for your happiness. You only deserve the best! When you are ready, I would be most interested in hearing about your spritual experience -as I am currently searching my own bumpy road of spirituality, and much of what you say resonates with me, and I appreciate it. I like another poster am thinking it has to do with your trip to Dominican. I wish you all the peace and happiness you can endure - thanks to you and Bob (Max and Todd) for being such wonderful human beings. I appreciate you!
Posted by: Ann | June 18, 2008 at 08:29 PM
Sheri,Thanks for sharing with us your pain, strength,and joy. As others, I feel as if you are one of my best friends.
I too hope you and Mark are ok and happy.You and Bob bring light and laughs
to your faithful listeners in a sometimes dark or gray day. We love hearing stories about the family and the always something with Bob! I listen on the podcast everyday out here in California.
Posted by: Debbie | June 19, 2008 at 01:33 AM
I just love your show. You, Bob, Max, Todd, Lamar, you're all great! I must have missed the 8-07 event myself along with many others. I know you'll share when the time is right. I also have had thoughts about you & Mark. You use to talk about him occasionally, but I don't hear you mention him much anymore. I think everyone else is just like me when we say we are concerned for you and hope that everything is O.K. Just know that we love you and you are a wonderful person.
Posted by: Jeanne | June 19, 2008 at 09:59 AM
Sheri,Thank-you so much for sharing,you really are just such a wonderful writer,so talented,many times I've laughed with you & the gang on my way to work,a few times I've cried,Thanks so much,you have know idea how you have touched so many people with just sharing your thoughts and past life experiences.
Take Care & God Bless!!
Bev
Posted by: Bev | June 20, 2008 at 01:45 PM
This made me cry, I must be about ready to start my period; I know way too much info. But this was truly a heart on your sleeve letter to your self.
Thank you.
Posted by: Audra | June 20, 2008 at 04:24 PM
Beautiful! You have imspired me to write a letter to my younger self.. I guess my fear is, I shouldnt give things away, but there is so much I want to warn about.. Not to be home on certain days because of what my stepfather will take libberties on, to change things I should of done different.. I know you shouldnt wanr though because those things make us who we are today.. But wouldnt it be nicer to have the process of getting HERE be less painful?
I guess I missed what happened to you in August of 2007? Im curious!!
Posted by: Maria | June 21, 2008 at 08:54 AM
Sheri,
Please write another book about growing up. You made it under the most difficult circumstances and you have the ability to help so many women.
Posted by: kathy | June 21, 2008 at 09:31 PM